I’ve worked on my Tinder profile for a fairly long time, making subtle changes here and there till it felt just right.

I have no Snapchat filter photos (a pal of mine said that was an immediate swipe left among him and his friends), a balance between solo selfies and group photos to show I really do have friends and the strongest bio I could come up with.

All of my hard work and naturally high standards mean that I’m often really disappointed by the profiles I’m swiping through. I might just be too quick to judge, or maybe there really should be a blanket ban on emojis?

Here’s everything that has me swiping left, immediately:

Emojis

I am an avid user of emojis – particularly the salsa lady, two dancing girls, the various stages of a haircut lady and the money bag flying away. However, there are a few emoji-bio options I can’t get behind:

  • A selection of flags (I appear to have missed this geography lesson so have no idea what you mean)
  • A vaguely relevant emoji after every point or word
  • A list that sums you up (desert island emoji, leaf emoji, beer emoji ???)
  • The ‘See No Evil’ monkey emoji (this nearly got a whole separate point, I feel so strongly. I think the desired effect is that Tom will come across as cute/cheeky/innocent/flirty. It’s not working and I hate it.)

Topless pictures, only

If we did ever go out (we won’t), I’d hope you’d wear a top so I won’t be able to identify you in the street by your bell button, will I?

‘Not my kid’

I shouldn’t be annoyed by this one – it’s handy to know if the guy I might end up seeing is also a Dad. I imagine guys think it’s nice to show they’re sensitive (?) but if it needs a whole point in your bio, I imagine you get a lot of questions so swap out the photo and save yourself the trouble of explaining.

Talk of travel/adventure/exploring

It so often just sounds really icky (‘looking for someone to take on my next adventure *plane emoji, mountain emoji*’), and I am actually quite scared of flying.

‘Just in Dublin for the day’

I think this is mostly used by people who are looking for hook ups on their travels, but you’re currently 3km away Josh and I am not in Dublin. Keep your profile up to date.

Any criticism of women in general

If I had a pound for every misogynistic profile I’d ever reported, I’d be a very wealthy lady. Comments about crazy ex-girlfriends or looking for someone with more than just an interest in make up and Love Island are infuriating. Sure I know a lot about politics and current affairs, but sometimes all I have the energy to discuss is Dani Dyer’s eyebrows. Deal with it, Milo.

‘Self-employed/Entrepreneur’

I am nosy. If you really are self-employed, I want to know what you do (mostly because I want to be taught how to get out of the 9-5) so give slightly more away, please.

‘Not here to talk on an app for a month. Let’s go for a drink.’

Christ Ben! Some of us are cripplingly anxious and really do need to message back and forth for weeks on end, until I build up the courage to see you irl.

One photo, or only group photos

I need to see you from more than one angle, but I am not playing a game and working out which generic lad appears in all of these group selfies.

Myers-Briggs

I’m told my personality type is quite rare (I’m an INFJ, if you must know) but that, in your bio, is really not enough. And assuming it is is bold.

‘6’2″, because I’ve heard it’s important’

Agh.

Obsessively talking about dogs

Contrary to popular belief, you having a dog isn’t enough to win me over. I’m painfully allergic and also not that sort of shallow.

One day, I’ll find the perfect bio. I” swipe right, we’ll match, it will be great and I’ll eventually be free of Tinder for ever. Not yet though, so improve your profiles please!

What are your internet dating profile pet peeves?

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